Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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