I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
