can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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