I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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