Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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