It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
