He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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