Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
