hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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