just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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