If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
