I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
