Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
