I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
