Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
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I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
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I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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