I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
