hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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