You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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