you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
