sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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