I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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