Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
