i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
