I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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