Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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