I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
