you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
