I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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