I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
