you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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