he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
