i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
