I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
