I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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