what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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