...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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