my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
