I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
