It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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