Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
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