as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
