Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
