im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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