I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
