Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He? As in you personified your dick?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
