I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
