i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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