Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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