I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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