i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
