I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
