My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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