I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
