Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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