Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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