my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
All I want is dick and wine.
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