we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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