just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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