Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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