I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
